The Audacity of the Extrovert

I’ve mentioned it before but just in case you have forgoten I’m an introvert.  And one thing that introverts enjoy is quiet.  We are often content to sit quietly even in the company of a friend or loved one.  It is enough for us to be in your presence we don’t necessarily need conversation. 

I came in to drive bus this morning like I always do and I exchanged the pleasantries, listened to some of the conversation and joined in when I wanted to and thought I had something to add to the conversation.  As the drivers trickled out I continued to sit there as I am one of the last ones to leave.  Finally it was just two of us.

I was perfectly content to sit quietly gazing out the window and contemplating the deep mysteries of life.  Okay so I was more likely day dreaming but still I was content to sit there quietly.  I enjoy the quiet time before getting on the bus with noisy kids and frankly why do we encourage kids to be extroverts?  But that is a rant er blog for another day. 

So I’m sitting quietly in the break room and I did think I should leave because this last bus driver is an extrovert and apparently an extrovert that cannot stand silence all thought that seems to be the case with most of them.  But then I thought I don’t want to appear rude.  Then the conversation began.

“What do you think of my moose boots?”  at least that’s what I think she said as I was not waiting with baited breath for her to speak but in serious contemplation of life, the universe and everything.

I replied, “Huh?  What?”

She then pulled her leg out from under the table and said, “How do you like my genuine something something Minnesota Moose and Beaver boot.”  I think again I wasn't really listening and can't say for sure but then I some how got drug into a long one sided conversation about her socks that don’t fit, and a missing glove and someone disappearing that can repair Moose and Beaver boots, I think. 

Finally it was time to depart and I was able to extricate myself from this conversation because it was time to leave.  As I was walking out to my bus and on my route it occurred to me that I need a shirt that reads, “Don’t talk to me!  I’m not rude just an introvert.”

Then I thought why are all our social norms and general courtesies based upon extrovert’s preferences?   Why is it considered rude if I don’t respond to a greeting from a stranger?  Why am I considered anti-social if I don’t want to talk to you?  Why would it have been rude to get up and leave while the last bus driver was talking to me?

Then it hit me that most of our social customs are dictated by extroverts, foisted upon us introverts.  Probably because we are pretty good at pretending to greet, listen and acknowledge you while completely ignoring you.

I remember seeing a video of a woman out walking in New York and being spoken to all day long.  Some of the greetings where just hello, good day ect.  Some where inappropriate.  I remember that there were many comments berating the woman for ignoring the pleasant normal social greetings and lots of people complaining about the article complaining that a woman couldn’t walk down the street without being harassed.  I thought about that and I thought to myself why shouldn’t I be able to walk down any street without feeling obligated to engage in any kind of social interaction with people.  Why should anyone feel obligated to respond to a greeting especially one from a stranger?  The reason is because the extroverts have foisted our system of social norms and courtesies upon us.

Now what would be rude is if you greeted me on the street and I told you to get lost or something to that effect.  But to ignore you is to be true to my self.  So extroverts if you are hurt, offended, or just think it’s wrong when someone ignores your greeting, perhaps you need to seek professional help to deal with your low self esteem issues or something.

So if you see me and wave and I don’t wave back and say hi or acknowledge you in some way, it’s not because I don’t like you.  It’s because I was deep in thought contemplating the mysteries of the universe and almost had all the world’s problems solved but your intrusion caused me to loose the answer, or I was trying to remember what my wife told me to pick up at the store.

The Case for Acquaintances on Facebook or Why I only have 89 Facebook friends.

You might not realize it but I’m an introvert.  You might wonder why I’m pastor then if I’m an introvert?  Because I was called and that is a discussion for another day. 

Many people assume that introverts don’t like people.  This is not true.  Introverts just don’t like a large group of people all at once.  We like people but only a few at a time.  After all how many people can you give your attention to at once?  I find more then a couple taxes my concentration skills.  Perhaps some of this has to do with my ADD.  I will let the professionals ponder and research that one.

As an introvert friendship is a highly prized gift.  It is not something given and received on a lark.  Now don’t get me wrong I don’t think you need to be a friend of someone to like that person.  I know lots of people that I like that I don’t really consider a friend.

I can hear your audible gasps of shock and abhorrence at that last statement.  I think the age of Facebook has diluted our understanding of the word friend and even the idea of what a friend is.

This blog was sparked by a friend request that I got recently.  I get them rather frequently.  It’s usually a request from someone I have never heard from before.  This particular person had over 300 Facebook friends.  Most of these types of requests that I receive the person has several 100 “friends.”  I often think, “Seriously you have that many friends?”  I wouldn’t know what to do with that many friends how can a person have any kind of meaningful interaction with that many friends?

Facebook says I have 89 friends but the truth is that correcting for family that number is probably closer to 9 or 10.  Now don’t get me wrong I like all the people that I’m “friends” with but be honest if you are “friends” with me on Facebook it’s highly unlikely that you know my birthday, my wedding anniversary, my first job, my high school.  We’ve probably never done anything socially and probably the only reason that we are friends on Facebook is because of one two reasons.  One you are a Facebook friend collector and send a friend request to ever suggestion that Facebook offers you or two because I happen to be the pastor at FBC.

Now don’t misconstrue what I write here to believe that I dislike you or don’t want to be your friend.  Don’t take offense, let your emotions go for a minute take a deep breath and let the logic kick in and answer this question?  Would you invite me to your birthday party?  Now before you answer know this, if you invite me the only gift you might receive from me is the pleasure of my company.  Knowing that, would you still invite me to your birthday party?

Probably not, and here is a list of 10 reasons why:

One is because you may be a kid in our youth group and that would just be creepy. 

Two you may be a friend of my children’s and have “friend requested” me because of that fact and then it would just be creepy to invite me to your birthday party. 

Three the idea of having a pastor attend your birthday party would really put a damper on your party. 

Four you just “friend requested” me out of politeness and really can’t stand me.  If you "unfriend" me it won't hurt my feelings. 

Five you don’t really know me and so you are unsure of weather or not you would be able to stand me let alone like me. 

Six you don’t really know me and are afraid I would suck all the fun out of your party.  

Seven you don’t know me and are secretly afraid I would purloin all your well deserved attention.  Okay maybe this one is only in my dreams but you never know.

Eight looking at my Facebook page you realize that the only thing we have in common is that we are both homo sapiens .

Nine you are afraid that I might reciprocate and invite you to my birthday party and then you would feel obligated to attend, after I had attended yours, and then we would be involved in this reciprocal friendship that you really didn’t want because the truth is you were just trying to rack up Facebook friends so you could have more friends then your friends have.

Ten we are not really friends but acquaintances. 

This is by no means an unabridged list and feel free to come up with your own reasons for not inviting me to a birthday party or any party.  Oh and for the record I don’t really like parties, because I’m an introvert and I don’t like large crowds not because I don’t like you, but I do like white wedding cake and Minsky’s pizza.

So the next time Facebook suggests a friend, STOP take a breathe and count to ten.  Then think, then answer the following questions and take the appropriate action.

Have you ever met this person in the real world?  No?  Don’t send them a request.  Yes? Read on

How have you met this person?

            It’s my friend’s parents.  You can ask your friend’s parents they like to keep tabs on their children and their children’s friends.

            It’s my boss.  Yes?  Probably no your boss puts up with you because you make him money they don’t want to see your 3000 selfies with you and the dog, cat, hamster or your 300 best buddies.

            It’s a coworker.

                        Do you like said coworker? No? Don’t send them a request. Yes? Send them a    request.

            It’s a classmate.  See coworker above.

            It’s my teacher.  Do you really want your teacher to know that the reason you didn’t get your assignment done is that you were too busy taking selfies with you and the dog?

            It’s a friend of a friend.  But have you ever met this person?

            Do you like this person.  No?  Don’t send them a request.  Yes?  Send them a request.

Do you talk to this person outside of Facebook?  Yes?  Send them a request.  No?  Read on.

            Why do you not talk to this person outside of Facebook?

                        We were really close friends and they moved to Albuquerque. Send them a request pronto.

                        They are mean to me.  Do I really need to tell you not to send them a request?

                        We don’t have any classes together and eat at different lunches and we don’t drive.  Send a  request.

Hopefully this will help you in understanding the difference between an acquaintance and a friend and will stop your excessive friend requests on Facebook.  It might also explain to you why you have sent me a request but I haven’t responded.  I like you, I think you are a nice person but we just aren’t friends you don’t really want to see all my selfies with my aunt Agnes and her poodle and I don’t want to see all your weird face selfies.  And that’s okay this way we don’t have to get each other birthday cards or pay for the extra food the other would eat at our parties.

Oh and one more thing this isn’t some secret way to get invited to more birthday parties or parties in general.  I really truly don’t care for parties one or two a year is plenty I don't think I could handle 89 parties.